Your Relationship is Getting Serious
What Next The Marriage Ceremony Photography and Video Production in Bangkok
The Thai Wedding Day | Religious ceremonies | Doors ceremony | Shell Ceremony | Feet washing ceremony | White Thread Ceremony
Evening Feast Introduction
Photography and Video Production in Bangkok Although most men come to Thailand for a bit of rest and recreation or a few casual flings, many are surprised to find themselves embarking on a serious relationship with a Thai girl. A bit like a fish out of water the amorous farang can be worried about committing a cultural blunder and causing offence. He often is not prepared for the complex customs, the mysterious practices and often (to a farang mind) the unpleasantness of the dowry system and the importance of money to friends and family. This little guide will help prepare you for some of the steps along the road to forming a serious relationship with a Thai up to and including marriage and divorce. The advice is from personal experience of the writers and from many stories they have heard along the way. Your mileage may vary. Please always bear in mind that just like in the west, Thai's are individuals and often unpredictable. The writers personal experiences were with a girl from a small village in Issan, North East Thailand. Chances are yours will be too; but if she comes from North Thailand or Bangkok or South Thailand the customs and culture can be a little different. BACK The first trip to her village 
The first sign that things are getting serious is when she asks you to visit her village. Although such an invitation does not necessarily mean you are about to be married, it is usually a sign that things are getting serious. A visit to a Thai village will certainly give you a much better understanding of the Thai people, their roots and their customs. It can also be a daunting prospect for the newbie and presents a unique set of problems to be overcome. BACK
The first hurdle is getting there.
Favoured means of transport is the bus. Be warned that distances are long, travel is slow, seats are small and it can be very uncomfortable. On the plus side it's very cheap. Flying is a good option and internal flights in Thailand are cheap. You will need to travel to Bangkok by road first, unless you are going to Koh Samui or Phuket in which case flight from Utapao Airport near Pattaya are available. Hiring a car or mini van with driver can also be good. Travel times are a little quicker than by bus and you won’t need to rely on local transport once you arrive. You girl has probably told you she comes from Khon Kaen, Buri Ram, Udon Thani or similar. If you look at a map of Thailand you will see these places marked and all are mostly big cities. They are however also Provincial (Changwat) names. Most provinces in Thailand are named after their biggest city. I point this out because you may well find when she said she came from Nong Khai; she really meant a small village in Nong Khai province down 170 kilometres of pot holed dirt roads from the city. If you fly or bus to the city you will still need to make arrangements to get to the village. Hiring a car is a good option although infrequent public transport will probably be available. BACK Where to stay | Poor village house | Rich village house |  |  |
For the full experience you may stay in the village. Understand that it will be hot, it will be basic, and there will not be any beds. You'll be sleeping on a mat on the floor, eating local food and there will be very few home comforts. In Isaan the local cuisine is different from any Thai food you may have tried. Although the locals love it, you may have noticed that there are Thai restaurants all over the world, and yet as far as I know there are very few Isaan restaurants outside Thailand. The food is very much an acquired taste and not many farangs ever acquire that taste!
| Cooking in the village |  |
If the village is not too far from civilization there may be a hotel nearby where you can sleep at night. If there is I recommend you use it. The entire Isaan area has one international hotel and that is the Sofitel in Khon Kaen city. Luckily for me this is within 30 kilometres of my wife's village, the rates are reasonable and I always stay there when visiting her village. Chances are you won’t be so lucky. However there will probably be a local hotel within striking difference. Although the service will be basic it will certainly be more comfortable than the floor in a village house. BACK What to Bring Many of the western products and comforts of Pattaya are just not available up-country. So if you want 'em you'll have to bring 'em. High on the list of desirable things to bring with you are - toilet paper, bottled water, insect repellant (even a mosquito net), western cigarettes, western style beer and spirits, snack food (unless you like salted whole dried fish), plenty of light comfortable clothes, good shoes, coffee, tea, a cup or mug and plenty of gifts for the family. BACK Personal Comfort All toilets in the village will be of the squatter variety. No toilet paper is provided. Cleaning yourself is accomplished by using your left hand which you clean using the small urn of water beside the toilet. Flushing is achieved by tipping water from the scoop floating in the urn, down the toilet bowl. If you have never tried this it will be an adventure for you.
If you are lucky you'll get this | But you will probably get this |  |  |
The shower facilities are usually in the same room as the toilet. Showering is achieved by throwing water from the big urn over your self using the scoop provided. It's a good idea not to mix up the small urn and the big urn. BACK Meeting The Family You will be made very welcome and your arrival will be a big event for the village. Expect to meet everyone in the village in the first few hours. There will be lots of smiling and laughing plus a good deal of prodding and poking. Most village Thais have had very little to do with farangs so expect them to be fascinated with your skin, hairy arms, and rosy cheeks. The family and other villages will all wai to you (hands clasped as in prayer with a slight bow). I think it's best not to return the wai but to instead bow a little bit and shake hands. This will cause much merriment amongst the villages and you wont look like a pratt when you wai to high or too low to people of very different status. Gift giving is traditional and need not be expensive. A bit of help from your girl friend buying suitable stuff for the family before you leave civilization is a good idea. In return you will probably get many pieces of string tied around your wrist (I'm not joking!). This is a sign of good wishes and should bring you good luck. It is polite to keep the string on your wrist for three days. Kids will find you particularly interesting. BACK Who Pays? Stupid question Mr Farang - you do! Expect to pay for everything from food to booze. Fortunately it's not expensive and local food and fire water are available everywhere. This is not traditional as guests are usually taken care of very well and given everything for free. However as a farang you are rich and they are poor so you will probably end up paying and should do so with a smile. BACK What to do? As you will discover there is not a lot going on in the village and no one speaks a word of English. In a lot of cases they don't speak much Thai either with Laos being the local dialect in the North East. So there is not a lot of deep and meaningful conversation to be had. Activities will mainly revolve around eating and drinking. Expect many of the locals to drop by to eat your food, smoke your cigarettes and drink your alcohol. Smile a lot, drink a lot and look happy and they'll love you. You may also like to go on a tour of the village. Everyone will greet you with smiles and laughter. Wondering into peoples houses without invitation is quite OK. Shake everyone’s hand and smile. Your girl’s family probably have a small farm some distance away from the village and will be happy to take you there. A picnic at the farm can be nice. In the rice season you might like to try your hand at a bit of planting or harvesting. About 15 minutes worth should be enough to exhaust you. BACK How long to stay Some farangs really take to the villages and village life but for most of us, two or three days are more than enough. I'd recommend you plan on two days for your first visit BACK Cultural Dos and Don’ts You may be surprised to know that they are just as worried about making a cultural error as you are. Generally Thai's well understand that you come from a different culture and do not expect you to act like a Thai. As long as you are smiling and appear to be having a good time everything should be OK.Physical signs of affection in public are not appreciated though and you should not be overly familiar with your girlfriend or wife.
Her biggest worry will be that you touch or kiss her in front of friends or family. She will really appreciate zero physical contact in public while you are in the village.
If you are not married Do Not expect to sleep with your
girlfriend in the village.
Village Thai's are very conservative and while they are probably well aware of what you get up to in Pattaya they will be very relieved if you behave yourself in the village. BACK Conclusion Your first trip to a Thai village should be an exciting and fascinating experience. If you are relaxed, smiling and generous I guarantee the experience of a life time. Don’t complain about the lack of facilities, furniture and food. Understand that the village experience is about warm and happy people and not about creature comforts and you will do well. Let's get down to the nitty gritty. 
If ever there was an issue that is going to polarize farangs and Thai's then it's the dreaded dowry. Let me be a little offensive and say it a few more times - dowry - dowry - dowry. That didn't hurt too much did it?
In Thailand, a dowry is a sum of money paid to the bride’s family at the time of the wedding. The idea of "paying" for your bride is deeply imbedded in Thai culture and is considered absolutely normal. Most westerners find this idea somewhere between distasteful and an absolute scam. Westerners believe in romantic love and money has nothing to do with it. Being a little "culturally imperialistic" many farangs refuse to understand that throughout the world different views have evolved and are just as legitimate as the western view. The Thai view of love is based primarily on security and particularly financial security. No family wants their daughter to marry a man who does not have a primary interest in promoting the family's security. Using the village model; when a man marries a Thai girl he will generally move in with her family. He will run her family's farm and take care of her parents, grand parents, sisters, brothers and anyone else in anyway related to her family. If he falls on hard times, then her family will help to support him. Inheritance of family home and land is generally through the female children. The husbands of those female children will therefore reap the benefit of all that has been achieved by her parents. In return for all these benefits the man is going to receive it is only right and proper that he should display his intentions by rewarding her family with a dowry. As a farang you don't fit into the benefit side of this equation. You probably don't want to work the family farm and live in the family house. From their point of view this is a huge disadvantage and a reason why you should pay even more. I don't intend to debate the rights and wrongs of this system here, but I'd like to make it clear that by Thai standards the system is completely legitimate. There is a lot of discussion elsewhere on the merits of love vs. financial security and interestingly it would appear that marriages based on the later are more successful. Whatever the case, if you intend to marry a Thai, you are marrying into the system. If you can't get your head around it then maybe you need to really think some more about marrying a Thai at all. I have no statistics but my own research leads me to believe that the biggest cause of relationship failure between Thai's and farangs is the financial burden of assisting the Thai's extended family. Even if you choose not to assist, your wife and therefore you will come under incredible pressure to fork out more and more cash. If you don't have a strategy for dealing with it then chances are your relationship will fail. You first inkling of this impending headache is going to be the first time you hear that terrible word from her family - dowry! BACK How much to pay How long is a piece of string? The family will want you to pay until it hurts. You will want to pay the bare minimum. Somewhere in there is a happy medium. Finding it can be difficult. As you are a farang and therefore rich the family will start to get inflated ideas about what is appropriate. When little Lek called them to say she was thinking of marrying a farang, gongs sounded in the village and visions of winning the state lottery started dancing in some peoples heads. Do explain to little Lek that although you are filthy rich by Thai standards (even if you sweep ditches for a living) you are not rich by western standards and do not have inexhaustible funds lurking in your bank account. Try to gently lower expectations before any serious discussion takes place. If you were a Thai, then your family would conduct the negotiations. Negotiation is quite normal (as it is about everything else in Thailand) and is best carried out by a third party. As its unlikely your family be involved it would be useful if you could find a Thai friend to negotiate on your behalf. If that's not possible then you will have to get your girl to do it. As always in negotiations with Thais, keep your cool, smile a lot and be reasonable. An appropriate amount depends very much on the assets of the family, the educational level of the girl and her beauty. There are regular reports in the media here of Thai's paying extraordinary sums when marrying wealthy beauties. Serious face making is going on and if large sums are being paid both sides will publicize it as widely as possible. An American farang recently married a former Miss Thailand and paid over US$5,000,000 as a dowry. I was watching a Thai TV program the other day and they were interviewing some newlyweds. Her family had insisted that a 100,000,000 baht mansion the groom had promised to build, be finished before the wedding took place. Chances are that your girl is not a former Miss Thailand, you don't have a spare $5,000,000 hanging around and are not about to build a 100,000,000 baht mansion. For the sake of giving a number, I'd suggest that if you are marrying a village girl then a figure of around 100,000 baht will be where you end up. I know some who have paid as little as 25,000 baht and others who have handed over more than 1,000,000 baht. "Baht Rate" If you accept the system, go with the flow and are realistic about what you can afford, the family probably will be too. In any case you will pay more than a Thai would for the same girl because - that's the way it is :-) BACK When do you pay You pay at the wedding ceremony. Not only do you pay at the ceremony but you do it in public and it’s a good idea to do it with small denomination bills so it looks bigger. At the appropriate time in the ceremony, the village headman or some other dignitary will ask you how much you are prepared to give as a dowry. There will probably be a huge PA system and a monstrous bank of speakers to relay this query and your answer around the village. The headman will then take the cash from you and painstakingly count it. He will then ask the family if it is acceptable. Once they say yes, then you can proceed to the marrying part - see getting Married in this section. It is quite common to inflate the amount by double or even more, just for show. So if you agree on 100,000 baht you may well be asked to hand over 200,000 so as to gain face for all concerned. The family will then discreetly return the extra, after the ceremony and away from prying eyes. BACK The Thai Wedding Day
Photography and Video Production in Bangkok Preparations Often in traditional Thai marriage, a close friend of the groom requests the bride's hand to her father (พิธีสู่ขอ). Then talks begin. These are about money, about gifts to be given to the family. These traditions are different from westerner countries. The bargaining is often difficult regarding the amount of money to be given to the bride's family. It depends on the qualities of the future wife such as, her education, background, her family, her career and so on. The family is thanked for the education of the girl. Sometimes problems happen due to the cultural differences between Thai and foreigner ways of thinking. Sometimes the Thai family think that all foreigners are rich and ask for a huge money amount The number of guests at a Thai wedding is always a mystery. It is difficult to know the number of guests because invited people might not come and uninvited people might come. In Thai custom, it is difficult to know the number of guests as Thai invitation cards are different to invitation the cards of foreigners'. In western countries, you can see RSVP on the bottom left of cards, so the guests can reply whether they can come or not. Thai people don't answer and so the number of guests is not known exactly. Guests might come with or without their children, with or without friends. BACK Religious ceremonies
Photography and Video Production in Bangkok On the evening of the day before the wedding day, a Buddhist ceremony (วันสุกดิบ) happens. During this ceremony, the newly weds pay homage to the brides ancestors. The newly weds wear ordinary clothes. During this ceremony nine monks are invited. The monks sit on straw mattresses and have a glass and a bottle of water in front of them. The newly weds are near the altar, which is close to the first monk. A sacred thread joins the heads of both groom and bride and then unrolls into the monks hands. Near the first monk there is a bowl of water with a candle in it. This is used as holy water for the next day. The first monk holds a special fan in one hand and a microphone in the other. The whole village can listen to the prayers. During the ceremony the audience crouch in front of the monks several times. After a while the monks pause and drink a drink. Then they continue again. After the end of the prayers they go back to the temple. The drinks are finished by guests. In the early morning of the wedding day (around 6 a.m. ) the monks arrive. Nine monks are invited again. Prayers are said again and the main monk throws holy water at the audience. The newly weds, wearing beautiful Thai clothes, are kneeled close together and there is a string going from the bride's head to the groom's head. On the head it makes a circle. They closed their hands making a "Wai" (ไหว้) or Thai greeting. Nine trays are placed in front of the monks. Each trays contains several small dishes. After the prayers are over, the newly weds give an envelope to each monk. The envelopes contains money. As monks cannot touch money, Thai people give them money in envelopes. Then the monks eat and when the meal is over they go back to the temple. The religious ceremonies are now over. The Buddhist religious ceremony happens in the early morning. Monks come to the house to bless the newly weds. When the newly weds are not rich enough to afford this, the wife and husband can go to the temple in the early morning to make donations and give food offering to the monks. There are no weddings during the retreat season because the monks must stay in the temples and are not allowed to go out. BACK Doors ceremony
Photography and Video Production in Bangkok A procession lead by the groom with the relatives, bring the gifts and the food to the bride's home. Music is played during the whole procession ceremony. The procession song is called "Ram Vong Klong Yao" (รำวงกลองยาว). During this ceremony (พิธีแห่ขันหมาก), the groom leads the guests. If the groom's house is too far from the bride's house, a place like a bus stop can symbolise the groom's house. The groom walks followed by his parents, family and friends. The groom has to cross symbolic doors before entering into the bride's house. In traditional Thai weddings, the groom shall cross two gates called "silver gate" and "gold gate". The gates are on the way from the groom's home to the bride's home. To open the gate, the groom must give a gift, i.e. some money to the children. Of course the amount is bigger to open the gold gate than the silver gate. Doors are symbolised by girls holding a chain. Often those girls are the bride's sisters. At each door the groom is asked if he is rich enough to take care about his wife and his family. He has to give an envelope to each girl in order that they remove the chain to let him pass. The envelope contains money. Each time a door is symbolically opened, people are shouting. BACK Feet Washing Ceremony
Photography and Video Production in Bangkok When the groom has opened symbolically all the doors, the bride is waiting for him at her house entrance. Here the feet washing ceremony can happen . It does not happen in all weddings. The husband stands on a small stool and his wife washes his feet and makes a Thai greeting towards them ("Wai" - ไหว้). It is a symbol of respect, allegiance to husband and also a way to thank the groom for all he has done for the wedding (most expenses are paid by the grooms family). Now as Thailand has entered a new era of equality between men and women, this tradition is not always respected. During the marriage ceremony, money is shown to the guests. Most of the time the money is only shown in order to save face for the bride's family but after the marriage ceremony the money is given back to the couple. For foreigners the amount is often more than 100,000 Baht in cash and some gold jewels. Often a gold chain is offered. In Thailand gold is measured in "Baht", the Thai gold measure. Thai people like gold more than banknotes. Thai people think that if sudden problems happen, gold can be sold to get cash. The wedding day is not a random day. An astrologer has set the best day according to the stars. All the money is displayed to show that the bride has married a rich groom. In Thai society, people living together are considered as a married couple even if there are no official papers. Thai women often call their husband "Faen" (แฟน - boyfriend) instead of "Sami" (สามี - husband). A nice nickname is also "Thi Rak" (ที่รัก - darling). Often Thai Buddhist weddings are social weddings and the legal papers will be done later on if they need them for any legal purpose. BACK White Thread Ceremony
Photography and Video Production in Bangkok In a room, the newly weds sit close to each other. An wise old man speaks auspicious sentences in order to bless the wedding and give hints to the bride. Then white threads are linked to the wrists of the newly weds. The threads are soaked with holy water. In Thai language the Thread ceremony is called "Phiti Bai Sri Su Kwan" (พิธีบ่ายศรีสู่ขวัญ). The "Bai Sri" tree is often prepared by friends and neighbours. It is made of banana leaves. It is in the centre of the "Bai Sri" ceremony. This ceremony has an Indian origin. The tree shape mimics the mythic mount Meru (the centre of the universe). Newly weds have a white thread joining their heads. Some symbolic food is given to the newly weds. The guests attach a white string around the couple wrists and bless the couple. Then a long thread is attached to the newly weds wrists. The groom and bride pull it on their side until the thread breaks. The one, who has the longest part, is the one who loves deeper. BACK Shell Ceremony
Photography and Video Production in Bangkok It is called Rod-Nam-Sang, and is the main event where both the bride and the bridegroom's family get together. They witness this important event. Both the bride and the bridegroom will sit close together on the floor (or small stage) with their hands held in Wai style (like the way we pay respect to the Lord Buddha). A flower chain connects the hands. The most senior person will act as the leader of the event. He or she will start to soak the couple's hands in water and wish them good luck. The water is contained in a conch shell container (Rod is to soak, Nam is water, and Sang is the conch shell.) Then, the parents and others will do the same. Usually, only selected people like close friends and close relatives will be invited to the Rod-Nam-Sang event. Every guest pours a shell filled with holy water "Nam-Sang" - น้ำสังข์) on the hands of the bride and groom. They say holy sentences and blessings to the newly weds. Then the guests put envelopes (containing money) in a basket or give a gifts. The amount depends on their status. Every time an envelope is given, a little gift commemorating the wedding is given to the guest. The ceremony continues with a photo session with all the guests. The ceremony is over around 11:00 a.m. BACK Evening Feast
Photography and Video Production in Bangkok The location of the evening feast can vary. An easy but expensive way is to book a hall in a restaurant. An another possibility is "To Chin" (โต๊ะจีน). It is a table for 12 guests with all food (7 dishes and one dessert) included in the price. Some workers come to dress the table, cook the food and clean everything when the feast is over. More expensive than making everything on their own but useful when time to prepare the feast is short. And last but not the least the couple has to buy drinks such as beer, whisky, soda, ice for beverages and ice creams.It is always safer to think big in case of many guests. Nobody wants a lack a of food or beverages during a Thai wedding. Some large tents should be rented in case of sudden rain.At the beginning of the evening feast, around 5 p.m, the newly weds go from one table to another. They welcome each guest and thank with a deep "Wai" (ไหว้ - Thai greeting). Often the guest offers to the groom a glass of beer. The groom should only taste it if he doesn't want to be drunk. The guest gives an envelope containing a bank note. A small gift is given to the guests in order to remind them of the wedding day.A close friend invites the newly weds to say a few words to the guests, just to thank everybody. Foreigners should learn a few Thai words!! An "elder" is also invited to say a few words about the couple. This person is usually someone with a high social status, like the groom's big boss, or the village's mayor.Then the orchestra can start to play live. People eat, dance, drink and have a lot of fun. The wedding dress can be a white dress but also a traditional Thai dress. During big wedding parties, the newly weds invite Thai Art schools to perform Thai traditional dances.รักนี้ฟ้าลิขิต or "Rak Ni Fa Likit" means a love beyond the sky. For example the sentence is shown during a wedding between a foreigner and a Thai woman. It is like a mystery that people separated by oceans are finally married together.In Thai weddings, there are often live orchestras. In Issan area orchestra music is "Luuk Thung" (ลูกทุ่ง) or "Molam" (หมอลำ). Some attractive dancers, a noisy sound system, good food, fresh beer. The feast is a success ! Sometimes the whole neighbourhood comes to listen to the music! If the wedding party is a big success, even shops sell food and drinks to these people. Sometimes for big wedding parties, police are present in order to prevent any disorder due to alcohol abuse. Around midnight, the feast is over. People have to get up early in the morning to work. Sometimes guests bring an opened bottle with them . Often young people continue the feast with a karaoke. | 
